The drive inside.

You wake up and get out of bed as some part of you aknoledges that you could have died in your ignorant slumber. What makes you grateful that you didnt. Our connections our wants but when it comes right down to it it is what we want. Whether it be affirmation, love, or more importantly, happiness. Seeing a farmer in Brazil smile and knowing that- even in all his poverty, that he is happy has always been one of the greatest mysteries to me. How can one be content with what they have, especially when it is but a family and a patch of land they don’t even legally own?

  The problem is never the farmer. It is ourselves. I know that I have more books than I could ever read and more opportunity then I could have want for, yet every day I grasp at what I feel cheated out of. This imaginary idea of what I should be, could be, and all the times I didn’t take that chance to be more than what I am now.

   The longer one plays mind games with themselves the more they are going to believe their own bullshit. How can I chase a high that dosnt exist, that isn’t me? My past dosnt make me who I am. I am defined by my values and love that I carry with me now and not before. When will it be enough to just wake up and be comfortable with where we are at right now? When we love ourselves enough to accept our faults. That is my drive. To love myself in spite of what I wrongly consider as who I am from some negativity infested past which seeps into my ego like a poison.

   I can’t find and recieve the love in others that I so seek if I can’t at least lay a path of forgiveness so I can accept that who I am is different each time I wake up with hope from living through the lonely night.

Stuck in a loop.

Have you ever had that feeling of impending doom? Like you had a test that was forgotten or the classic “did I forget to turn off the stove?”. People struggle with that kind of thing every day- however some singular people struggle with that every hour of every day. People like me who struggle with chronic pain. In certain situations the stress of whether or not you will have an episode ends up manifesting itself physically through the process your mind is going through. Some days it just hits you, chaining you to your bed as a warden would his least favorite prisoner. Day by day you lose life and as every opportunity slips away so does your drive to grasp those chances. It is ironic, when I first started getting my pains in the last quarter of the 8th grade, they seemed like a good reason to get out of school. The schoolwork caught up with me and I ended up resenting my condition after a mere fortnight. Being new to the cycle and thinking it was a phase had me in a positive state of mind going into my freshman year of high school.

I was confident enough to even try out for the football and basketball teams respectively. Ending up team captain was something to bring to my dad. My father who named me what he did in the hopes that it would sound good over the amplifiers of a stadium, or on the back of a baseball card. He was so excited for me and himself. Pride. It was at that moment my life turned into the spiral of negativity that made me a better person. See, at the time the migraines started up I was on my way to being a very athletic, popular person. I always got good grades and life was looking good. I think I somehow cursed myself with my ambition and self contented attitude. I was in and out of school missing basketball practice and all together finishing what could have been the best year of my life on a note of sadness with the distinct aftertaste of failure that I long after realized was unfounded.

It continued like that through highschool to the day i write this. I was ashamed to walk through the halls after coming back for the fourth semester of junior year (doing the same routine as sophomore year) and seeing the teachers that had to deal with my late work at the beginning of the first semester was the worst. They always seemed to have an air about them. It was pity. Pity for the kid who was too smart for his own good. (*humble brag*)Who didn’t care much about any social boundaries. The person who was- Disabled. That label was a double edged sword when the thing that was killing my life as it “should have been” was something that is only diagnosed through the testament of the sufferer.

It was a hell that came from my own mind. My brain. It left me in a daze as I tried medicine in my senior year that made me kin with those who have ADD. It didnt work. Nothing had worked so far. It was a circle of hope, and joy when it seemed it was working then disparation as it happened with a healthy dose of fear that it would get worse or even, I dare say, stay with me till my death.

I did miss out on a lot of high school. I always joke that I’m the only kid who graduated on the honor roll without even going. Its like a lot of situations where the clich├ęd “laugh or cry” comes into play. I am a better person for all that I’ve been through- at least I think. I remember a disabled kid in my elementary school who gave me a negative disposition to people of that nature. This one thing of many in my life gave me perspective. Having a widened perspective is a good excuse to do things we normally wouldnt though and that is where my use of drugs came into play.

It started as an- I’ll try this because I want to experience the world- phase of thought. In truth however it was the pain and suffering from my missed school life that gave me something to run from. Self hate stemming from the one thing in life I couldn’t control.

I was always a perfectionist. From lining my matchbox cars up in straight lines to hating art class since it was a skill learned not perfected from one lesson. To lose that drive for perfection and get away from the self deprecation I ended up hooked from the first hit of weed to the first line of anything.

My life on drugs is what (the beginning at least) this blog is going to be about. With day to day things thrown in. Hopefully it will help me as much as I hope to entertain you with my tale of woe. Anyways- I know this first post was monotonous but I have things to share that I hope will take you for the ride I took.